Twas The Night Before Christmas'
by SeptemberMistAngel
Summary: Christmas Crack-Fic time! What happens when Doc tries to read a story to the little kids, but the adults seem to over-think it. Pixar owns Cars, Pancake3298 owns Emily, and I own Maria. :D


**Christmas Crack Fic time!**

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_~Twas the Night Before Christmas~_

Everyone was gathered at Lightning and Sally's house for a Christmas get-together. Cookies were set out, music was playing, and mistletoe was hung in strategic spots. The adults had all gathered on the sofas and chairs, while the young children played in the floor.

Alice, after much pleading and a kiss, had convinced Doc to read 'The Night before Christmas' story to the kids.

Doc cleared his throat and began to read. "Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse-"

Maria shuddered. "Thank God. I hate mice."

Chick rolled his eyes. "What are you NOT scared of?"

"Lots of people are scared of mice." Sally said. "It's normal."

"I had a mouse for a pet when I was a kid..." Lightning said, staring into space. "Then he died."

Doc cleared his throat. "May I please continue?" He asked Lightning.

Lightning shrugged. Doc sighed, and continued to read. "The stocking were hung by the chimney with care, in-"

"As opposed to-a what?" Francesco asked rhetorically. "The stockings were-a hung with recklessness?"

Sally nodded. "Yep. They just sort of three em near the chimney."

"That's a fire hazard." Chick said.

"AHEM." Doc glared. "In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads-"

"Sugar plums... What the heck are those anyway?" Chick asked.

"It is a candied prune." Emily replied.

"Yuck." Chick exclaimed. "Why would ya want to be dreaming about that?!"

Doc glanced up at Chick, silencing him, then he continued. And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap."

"Alice wears a 'kerchief?"

"Chick, just shut up and listen." Maria said.

"When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter-"

"Whats that?" Lightning asked.

"What's what?"

"A Rose Suchak Ladder?" He repeated.

Sally took Lightning's face in her hands. "AROSE. SUCH. A. CLATTER."

Lightning looked at Doc. "Well why didn't he just say that?!"

Doc sighed. "Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash."

"Ya threw up WHAT?!" Mater asked, completely confused.

"The sash." Doc said.

"Well what'd ya eat that for?" Mater asked.

Doc facepalmed. "The sash was like the window frame or the curtain or something. They 'threw it up' meaning they lifted it quickly."

"Ohhhh..." Half the room said.

"The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer."

Lightning began counting on his fingers. "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen... That's only eight."

"There WERE only eight." Doc replied.

"What about-a Rudolph?!" Francesco asked, appalled.

"Can we move on?!" Doc asked. "With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick-"

Chick scoffed. "Yeah, or any old drunk geezer who found himself a sleigh and reindeer."

All eyes turned to him. He shrugged. "What?"

Doc sighed. "Good Lord, how do I get into these things? Now where was I? Ah yes, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came-"

"That-a is a fast reindeer." Francesco speculated.

"-and he whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

Chick smiled. "Finally. The end."

"Chick, that's not the end." Maria said flatly.

"Dang."

Doc rolled his eyes. "As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too."

"This-a is a weird story." Emily said.

"And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound."

"Bound, Bound, Bound, and rebound. And your up right next to the sky, and I think you can do it if you give it a try!" Mater sang. **(AN: Reference to Pixar's short film, Boundin') **

"Shhh." Holley shushed him.

"He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."

"Well after boundin' down all those chimneys, I'd imagine so." Sally said. "Poor Mrs Clause... Just last week I spent a few HOURS trying to get a soot stain out of Lightning's white dress shirt."

Holley scoffed. "Try removing rust stains."

"Ladies? The story?" Doc reminded. "A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry. His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry."

Chick tilted his head. "That's what peddlers look like?"

Emily huffed in frustration. "Someone find me some duct tape so I can shut Chick up!"

"His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath-"

"Why isn't he coughing?" Lightning asked. "No one finds that weird?"

"He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly-"

"Never in-a my life, have I-a seen a bowl of jelly laughing." Francesco stated.

Emily stifled a laugh, and Doc continued. "He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf-"

"NO! ELVES MAKE THE TOYS! THEY'VE GOT IT WRONG!" Chick exclaimed.

"Just SHUT UP, PLEASE!" Sally shouted.

"-right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread."

"What does THAT mean?" Lightning asked.

Doc glared. "Hush, and let me finish this crazy book!" He took a breath. "He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose-"

"INSIDE OF HIS NOSE?!" Chick exclaimed. "Come on, who the hell wrote this?! We're trying to teach the kids-"

"ASIDE of his nose, you idiot, not INSIDE." Sally said with a huff of frustration.

Doc sighed. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night, and thank God, we've reached the end of the book!" Doc said with relief, closing the book with a satisfying thud.

They were all silent a minute, then Chick spoke. "I think the fellow in the story was drunk..." Chick started. "I mean... Dreaming about prunes, Running to the windows, and watching this crazy elf-person stuff toys into the socks hanging over the fire. Then he started puking up sash or whatever. Bad hangover?"

Everyone just gave Chick strange looks.

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**Based on what happened when my fam read this story at dinner a few days ago. Lol. **

**Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! **


End file.
